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Welcome parents!   

 

You have just popped out the baby and now it's time to name the little nugget. That's what the GBN is here for!  This simple guide will help you pick the perfect name for your little hell-raiser.  Whether it's a girl or a boy or maybe you're one of those people who constantly compare your dog to a human baby.  They aren't humans.  Don't get me wrong I like dogs, but I don't like a whole lot of people who own dogs.  Before you over sensitive dog owners close this page just remember, that same tongue you enjoy licking your face just licked a butt.  

 

But I digress, this is about the children.  Anywho, enjoy this naming guide and I hope you are able to name your next child with as much vigor and gusto as a someone who lives life with much vigor and gusto.

 

 

History of Naming

 

Believe it or not the origin of naming child dates way back to the early 12th century.  In fact, this tradition that we are accustomed to today began as a lost wager.  Two inebriated gentleman placed a bet on whomever could punt a rabbit farther.  The loser of this bet had to his name first born, Kyle.  (Back in those times, Kyle was a foul word often used to insult the nerdy kid who would be picked last in medieval dodgeball.)  

 

Before this time, a child would not be named until the child was able to speak 13 words.  The parents would then write down the first letters of the 13 words first spoken by their child and place them in a word jumble (much like the silly puzzles we play today).  They would then find the nearest left handed warlock and have him unscramble the word to give the child his or her name.

 

Now back to the wager: The two men chose their rabbits carefully and gave their best punt.  The first man kicked his rabbit hard and it flew for what seemed 12 nautical miles.  The second man was nervous but confident and punted his rabbit nearly equivalent distance as the crow flies. When it was determined as a tie by the local medicine man, the second man was determined the loser.  For he was ginger and at that time red hair brought much shame on your family.  He named his first child Kyle and she had a terrible life.

 

This tradition evolved into naming children as we know it today.

 

What makes a good name?

 

In 2014 the most common names for babies were Jackson and Sophia, for boys and girls respectively.  If you are planning on naming your child one of these names, you are ridiculous.  These names have no oomph, no pizazz, and lack that wow factor.  With these names your children are bound to be bland and uninteresting.  I am losing interest typing about them right now.  

 

 

So what makes a good baby name?  Well I’m glad you asked.  A good baby name is one that will give your child the confidence to grow and achieve extremely great or extremely terrible things. Yes, this is a high risk/high reward situation. Here are three examples of good baby names.

 

Junction -  This name makes me laugh everytime.  Good for a girl, this name is sure to give your baby girl the spunk she needs to make it in this dog eat dog world.  She is sure to get ahead in life.

 

Oral B -  Good name for a child and a good name for your wallet.  Not only will this child’s name be a great talking point for their entire life, it may also land you an endorsement deal and possibly a reality show on TLC.


Herlbutt - Named after a type of hook used for fishing, this child is destined to hate fishing, thus more likely to spend their time on activities that aren’t so boring to watch.  Maybe they’ll go to the MLB or maybe they’ll win a Nobel Prize. But all we know for sure is, they won’t be fishing.

 

What should I name my child?

 

After many decades of research and more money than the GDP of 15 of the lower third of ranking countries, we have determined the perfect baby name.  This name will induce so  much confidence, your baby will be filling diapers with self esteem.  Using a high tech mathematical algorithm, very similar to what is now being duplicated at NASA, the IRS, and Match.com, we have come up with the greatest name for your baby in the history of the world.  Before we reveal this name we would like to thank you for reading and learning today.  Knowledge is power.  Just know this name is perfect and you are more then welcome to name your child this.  If you do not, you are stupid.  Click here to reveal your babies new name!

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